Guide to Riding the Bus

Waiting:
Don't ask me how long I've been waiting at a stop. No one talks while on public transportation, except maybe for Crazy Larry, but then again...he is crazy. If you want to know when the next bus is arriving, read the darn scrolling marquee they installed by all the stops. It is no longer necessary to use calculus and/or the laws of probablility to figure out wait times based upon how long others have been standing at a stop.

While you are waiting, please get out your bus pass or fare ahead of time. Not revealing your pass right away won't protect you from having others realize you're using public transportation. For gosh sakes, you're standing under the bright red RTD bus stop sign.

Boarding:
The front doors are for boarding; the back doors are for exiting. It really is that simple.

As with many public services, there are unwritten rules about where to sit. While we've come along way from "blacks in the back," there are still some rules to follow. Do not sit directly behind the driver and chitchat all day long. They're driving a big old bus. I don't want to get in a accident and especially not in a vehicle without seatbelts. And don't sit directly next to a person when there are clearly other empty rows of seats available. Would you do that in a public bathroom? No. So don't do it here.

On crowded buses, don't sit if you're getting off 2 stops later. Let people who are riding longer sit down. That way, you don't have to push and shove to get out the back door. It saves time and keeps the bus on schedule.

On obscenely crowded buses, please let the short people sit down. Hyperextending our limbs to hold onto those just barely reachable handles is not fun. In fact, it's quite pointless because we end up standing entirely vertical, thus minimalizing any balance we may have.

En route:
Don't ask the driver about stops along the route either. That's what the internet and, at the very least, those little pamphlets behind the driver's seat are for. When pulling the cord and/or pressing the yellow tape to request a stop, it's not a race. If you like "buzzing in," then go on Jeopardy. Conversely, don't wait until the last second either. These buses don't have the best brakes in the world you know. The ideal leeway time is half a city block.

Turn down your headphones, and use your inside voices on the cellphone. I shouldn't have to elaborate any further.

Exiting:
What's your hurry? There's no need to gather your belongings before the bus has even stopped. News flash: the driver won't leave without letting you get off. This isn't like that nightmare you keep having where the carnival ride never ends.